What the hell does this mean?

I had an especially vivid dream last night. I would call it a bad dream, not a nightmare.

I was with my brother, and we were walking through a city. There were no specific land marks, but I had a feeling it was in Toledo. I'm pretty sure we were going to a bar or something. We decided to cut through a building, we were not supposed to be there. We were walking through a long hallway. Instead of going straight through we turned left. It was some sort of Hindu temple. This hall had lots of art and shrines. We were walking down this hall and someone came in behind us and shouted that we weren't supposed to be there. Mind you we are at our present age in this dream, grown ups, but we run away. As we are running down this hall it is getting smaller and smaller. My brother is bigger than I and eventually stops because he cannot fit. I push on. I am crawling and I get to a point where I am outside of the building crawling in a plexiglass enclosure. In my mind in the dream I rationalize that this is some sort of right of passage for Hindu followers and surely I can get out. I am right at the end and the crawl space turns down vertically before the exit. I get half way into the vertical drop and get stuck. I am pretty claustrophobic and I remember telling myself to just stay calm and wiggle my way out. It ended up getting so tight I couldn't breathe. At this point my dream went from first person to 3rd person and I watched myself suffocate. When I stopped breathing I woke up. Very unnerved, very uneasy. Of course when I fell back asleep I returned to the dream, but I knew I was dreaming and just started changing things around. I woke up again and never returned to that dream.

Very interesting stuff going on in that dream.

Woohsah...

I have been running myself ragged. Even though I have chosen to take a break from drinking for an undetermined amount of time, I have been staying out late nearly every night. I was actually called a martyr by someone for my actions. I had to look up the definition of martyr to be completely honest. I thought it was a religious reference, turns out the definition of martyr is "One who suffers for the sake of principal." I think that is actually a pretty good description of how I have been acting. I will go out to the bar and just hang out and drink water. I can do this pretty easily most times but it also can be very tempting others. Not drinking has its advantages for sure. No DUI's, watching everyone else get, literally, stumbling drunk, or when douche bags try to start shit or cross the line I have a clear head.

I have been putting myself through a lot of stress too. I have had to realize that there are certain instances where I am maybe exaggerating the seriousness of the situation. I just end up making it harder on myself. I'm doing it on both ends of the spectrum, the good and bad. This has lead to days of excessive stress. I am already acknowledging this flaw, and I am trying to remedy it. In the past I have used physical activity to blow off some steam. I have been on-again-off-again with my running, so occasionally I will have a day where I don't get that release.

Friday wasn't one of those days. I got my release alright, and as I sit here writing now I still feel that release. A group of us went out on Lake Lanier for some wake boarding. I have never been wake boarding before and my goal was simply to make it up on my feet. First session: I went first, 4 attempts and 4 fails, I was already spent. Luckily, for my hatin' ass, nobody else got up either. Second Session: 4 attempts and 4 fails. This time at least I got a little closer, but more importantly I learned to "let it go" (this is a theme in my life right now). I had previously been holding on to the tow rope and plowing through the water, sheer will and determination to get up on my feet. I now know how Lake Lanier tastes a little too well. Third Session: This was it, my arms and shoulders felt like they were slowly being ripped out of their sockets, I had to get on my feet. I had to do it on the first or second try or I wouldn't have the strength left to do it. First attempt, I DID IT! 3 out of 4 attempts, not only did I get up I stayed up for a decent amount of time. I wasn't the only one either, Phillip got up on his first try too. (I stayed up longer though)

Being out on the lake was great. Before we got to the wake boarding we were all just floating in the water relaxing and joking. I finally understood what I had been told about being out on the water. It drains all the BS right out of you, its a micro vacation that lets you escape for a couple hours. I look forward to the next time I can go out, I won't turn it down again. GO AWAY TUBERS! (or we will have to turn N.W.A loose on you again)

Click. BOOM! Splat....

Last week was a rough one. I felt this depression creeping in on me last weekend. The old feeling of loss and despair. Monday had me expecting a bit of a let down and it was realized. The event itself wasn't the problem. The problem was that over the course of the previous 36 hours or so I had this major outpouring of emotions. I wrote everything down, analyzing it, re-writing it, erasing it completely, starting over. I wrote a longish blog, shared it with a few close friends, got some feedback, decided to shelve it for a minute. During that writing I started a whole other thought process and wrote that down too. The blog was very personal and in the end it was posted albeit only half as long. It shared a lot of my inner most conflict and thoughts. The second writing was a level of personal intimacy and openness that I had never reached before. I have never opened up to myself like that before, and I actually captured it. I got it down and only changed misused words. That is meant for only one. I did let 2 people read it and it was only to make sure that I wasn't crazy. They didn't think I was crazy, but I disagree. The point of this writing was to help me organize my thoughts and try to deal with it. It back fired. I opened up too much. I exposed myself in an extreme way and it actually made me worse.

Tuesday morning I woke up and felt fine. Got to work on time at 9, still doing alright. About 10:30 I broke. I left. Literally. I had to get out of there and quickly because I was about to let someone have it that didn't deserve that kind of response for a minor annoyance. So I got in my car and drove. I drove into areas I have never been, before I settled on a nice looking pasture. I really wanted to sit in the middle of the field and just be alone. The rickety fence and the thought of how crazy this looked stopped me. The worst part? I couldn't really call anyone. It was 11 am on Tues. Everyone is at work or in class. Luckily I did get a hold of someone. He talked me down, rationally and slowly bringing me back. After listening to my reasons for why I was feeling so crazy, he made one very simple point. A point that would later be re-iterated to me by my Mom. I have to stop caring, no, obsessing on the things I have absolutely no control over. "Let it go man, take care of what you do have control over." " Do little things though, don't take on too much."

Tuesday evening after I returned to work and had a really focused objective to bang out as much as I could in the abbreviated day, I got a simple and innocent message. "How was your day?" That message changed my day, and it would be the turning point of the week. Amazing how something so seemingly insignificant can turn everything around.

Wednesday and Thursday were all about understanding what just happened. Despite all of my attention to what was upsetting me I couldn't ignore that things were turning distinctly more positive. So everyday I talked to someone about what was going on and what I needed to do about changing it. Or what it was that I could do nothing about and let it go. I hung out with people that are relatively new in my life as well as longtime friends.

Friday was nearly a perfect day, complete relaxation. Saturday not-so-much. Saturday was my last hurdle to clear before I could move on. It was a day of finality. When I woke up on Sunday, I was in a different place mentally. I let it go.

I am now moving away from the area that I have been comfortable in for the last 5 years or so. Away from the place I called home for 7+ years. Away from people that are a part of my life from before last Tuesday. The people I associate with from here on out will be the ones that are progressing in a manner in which helps me progress too. I need to stop second guessing myself. I have made a lot of right choices to get me here. When I haven't made the right choice I learned from it. I have to solidify the confidence that elevates me from a good person to a great one. I have very distinct goals I wish to achieve right now. Now its time to get crackin' on the next level.

Once again thank you to my friends, old and new, for all of your support. Some of you know what I've been going through, some of you are learning, some have no clue (well you do now!) but you all make a difference in my life. I really hope I can make a similar difference in your lives some day.

Bleeding Heart and Broken Skin

I had an incredibly shitty day Saturday. To manage, I impulsively went and got a new tattoo started. I figured that if I was this upset, I should suffer for real, and put things in perspective. Maybe some physical pain would help me forget about my mental/emotional trials. It may not completely erase the bullshit, but at least it could distract me from mulling over the trivial and the inconsequential.

Why do I torment myself with these issues, when I can’t really do anything about it? I can only do what I think is best for me, but a lot of the time I don't even know what is best for me either. This drives me insane. Really. I think about too much stuff, all the time. I cannot shut off my brain.

Thank you to Sam @ All or Nothing Tattoo. He got me in even though I was a walk-in. This is the second piece Sam has done for me, and I will return in 2 weeks to get this one finished.

I've been de-flowered

One of these days I may get some rest. Between partying this past weekend, to having to rush the single most important life I know to the emergency animal hospital, to the day-to-day grind of work.

Wrath is doing well. He had a scary moment at the house after generally not doing well all day. He had just come back inside from a pee that lasted for-ever, when he decided he didn't want to climb the last 2-3 stairs. I coaxed him up them but he then collapsed and didn't respond much to anything. The ER vet ran some tests and gave me about the best news I could have hoped for. All negative on the results. This also meant we had to dig deeper. I returned home monday night with my boy and brought him to his regular vet on Wed. After doing some more comprehensive tests and another thorough physical exam we ended up pretty much where we started. "Everything seems ok" Well the blood test results will be in on Fri. and we should have a much more clear picture. The old guy has already surpassed his "optimistic" post cancer operation estimate of life expectancy. They said he probably only had 6-12 months at that time. We are now at 19 months. Its all about maintaining quality of life now.

On the work front I came in on Wed. to a Porsche Carrera Cabrio on my lift. I was to do a simple oil change (all 10 qts. of it!) and a compression test. Nothing too extravagant but it was a job to pop my cherry with the Porsche. Up to this point Doug has been taking care of the Porsche customers. He was on the dyno so I got my opportunity. With the oil change done I performed the compression test. Pending the results our customer was wanting to put a turbo kit on the car. With compression numbers I got (only a 4 psi variance between all 6 cylinders), looks like I will be posting in the future about the results of the turbo kit install.

Back to running and a more healthy diet. Since my low weight of 183 lbs ( I started at 229), I have put a healthy 19 back on. I got lazy. So since I started back with the running and diet 10 days ago I have lost 7 lbs again. It was so easy to get back into the habit it makes me upset I waited so long. I would like to get back down to 185 lbs.

Patience is not one of my strong character traits, but Im trying. Paralyzation due to over analyzation has bitten me before, so I got vaccinated (thank you Jessica). I heard somewhere that persistence pays, how do you persist without becoming annoying? I love Zombies, Steam Punk, and Dubstep. I'd pay a lot to go see Zombies dressed in Steam Punk dancing to Dubstep.

Please keep your hands inside the vehicle at all times.

Every day it seems I am learning more about myself. I'm figuring things out and working through them. Everyone learns about themselves as they gain more life experience. How you handle a crisis situation, how you handle a death, or how you handle success or fame would be good examples. Not everyone does something with the knowledge/experience though. Many never do anything with it. So instead of adapting and excelling or adjusting and improving they just seem to ignore or deny. I feel like I can't wait to test out my instincts. I can't wait for a situation to arise just so I can see how I handle it.

My learning curve seems more like a ramp over the last 2 years. Even more recently it seems like a vertical ascent. I have this feeling though, that I may be near the pinnacle of the current trend. Not that I feel like there is something bad looming on the horizon. Maybe just instead of discovery and revelation, it will be more application and implementation. I definitely have noticed when I come across a situation of some difficulty that I have been able to rely on myself to either figure it out or get help from a good source. That is a big part too. Its ok to know when you need help, its better to actually seek help, but knowing where to seek the best help is the real key.

Everyday is a roller-coaster. Roller-coasters are like sex. You wait forever to get there, you finally get on, you go up and down, there is screaming, occasionally someone cries, then 2 minutes later, you get off. (this probably applies more to guys)

Don't set yourself up (I struggle with this constantly). Never pass up an opportunity (my new mission statement). Don't expect anything from anyone, its better to let them surprise you (I am often let down by this).

It really may be better than sex.

3:13 am, Sunday Aug. 29. I have just had an incredible weekend. Thursday we left the shop and head out to Roebling Road Raceway. It was a private day for TopSpeed customers, friends, employees, or whoever wanted to get a quality day at the track. It was a spectacular mixture of cars that participated. My nearly stock G35 Sedan, a stock S2000, a 350Z (with a first time driver, and she did very well), a Spec E30 BMW, a Ferrari 360 Modena, the TopSpeed GT2 (Pepper), a father and son tandem of Porsche’s (GT3 and a Turbo Cabrio), a BMW 335i on full slicks, we all had a great time. By the end of the day it seemed like we were all on track at the same time. I have NEVER had so much fun at a track day, not as a spectator, crew member, or driver.

Savannah is a beautiful city. I had never been there before, I wish to return and spend more time in the city. Had dinner at River Street Oyster Bar and it was exactly what I wanted. The food was extremely good. We had the crab stuffed mushrooms, cheddar bacon baked oysters and escargot for appetizers. I think everyone busted their guts on the main course! I had the Savannah style Jambalaya, not sure what the difference was, but it was damn tasty. Afterward we had a frozen drink called a “call a cab”. It was red and made with grain alcohol. It hurt when you sipped it because it was so cold. Nonetheless it lived up to its name.

I have been watching a lot of PBA lately. I have learned a lot about the personal life of Mark Twain. I feel so much the same way that he did, as he wrote in his personal diary and notes. It amazes me how someone from a completely different life and from a completely different era has the exact same feelings and emotions that I struggle with. I have seen a documentary about Dragon*Con (even though I have been there the last 3 years) and I learned about an urban hiking group here in Atlanta. Urban Hiking is cool…No, all of it is cool. I love to learn. I yearn for knowledge. From the trivial to the profound, I want to know more. I want to know why it is what it is.

I have a feeling. Old habits die hard. Have faith in something. Stand for what you believe.

If you don't know me, you want to.

It is really amazing how life twists and turns. If you had told me 6 months ago that I would be working at TopSpeed and I would be ok being/living single, I would have called you a f-ing liar! Yet here I am, contrary to everything I believed with every fiber of my being. On top of it all, I am happy. Its not false happiness either. Well what do I know? I just stated everything I knew to be true, wasn't. Regardless, I am happy.

Work wise I have been so busy I don't know what to do with myself. Its good busy, everyday I am here, open to close. So far I don't mind the saturdays. I got spoiled the first couple weeks with the insane amount of hours I logged. Now anything less and I start putting pressure on myself to step it up. The fire inside has been renewed. I want to prove myself more now than ever.

Socially I have realized that I am ok being alone. I have made it to this point where I am not so utterly lonely. It was rough. I really struggled with it for months. On top of my other problems I was having, just made it worse. I was really forcing it. Everyone always says " Its when you aren't looking, thats when you find someone" blah blah blah. No. You are wrong. Its when you get to the realization that "Hey, you like me or you don't. If you do, cool, its on. If you don't, peace, there are about 50 million others waiting to find out what this is all about." Or you get lucky and find someone during the whole "finding yourself" period, don't realize it, and then figure out you had an answer the whole time-dumbass.

For me, I am not trying to force anything. Socially or professionally. I know I have the goods for success. I have to keep doing what I do, maybe just a little more assertively. Modest confidence I guess is the best way I can describe it.

Hey look! Its a wandering mind!

I haven't written in a while and I think its because I have been doing relatively well. The severe turmoil is behind me for now. I reached out last night in an effort to salvage what may be left of a long relationship that ended very abruptly and ugly. It has only been 2 months, but I think about you all the time. I feel like I have a lot to say because I think about it so much. But sometimes I can't get the words out. I feel there are a lot of misconstrued beliefs, ideas, assumptions, whatever. I don't want to be uncomfortable around someone I have spent so much of my life with. I did what I had to do to try and be happy. 8 weeks later I think it was the best for everyone. We have moved on into things that were only talked about before. We are acting upon ideas that we shared for literally years. We are discovering things about ourselves that we are not happy with and making changes. I want to be the best person I can be. For me and for whomever I decide to share my life with. I have a hole though. I wanted to be able to share some of these things with you. In a way it is because of you I am who I am now, and at least partially it is because of you I have made changes to better myself. I would like to think I influenced you in the same way but I will never know. I used to be a trusting person, I trusted you to the point of dependency. In the context of: You make a decision, I go along with it. I lost my trust for you. I lost my trust for almost everyone along with it. I truly do not know anymore. I question everyone. What's their motive? Who are they telling this to? What are they saying about me behind my back. On a positive note, it makes me want to be a good guy. Don't give them a reason to have a negative word. But in reality people are people and it doesn't matter what I do or say. So I have to satisfy myself and make myself happy with who I am. I have plenty to criticize. Some of it is a current self-help process. Some of it will have to wait until I am ready to tackle that project. Some of it will never be addressed.

My confidence is high. I feel like I am able to approach situations knowing that if I nail it, I accomplish whatever goal it was I set. It has been a long time since I have been able to carry this kind of swagger. Before it was kind of empty, and if I met adversity I would crack. Now if I meet adversity, I either conquer it or let it roll off. I will take another crack at it another day or time. There are a lot of positives for me to feed on right now. Im not starry eyed though, trying to keep grounded. Trying to keep the big picture in perspective, I have been guilty of losing focus when the present is favorable. I set myself up for disappointment. Now I expect disappointment (it is after all inevitable) but don't dwell on it. When disappointment happens then hopefully I will be able to cope and move on. I always do, but the manner of how and the time it takes have been suspect in the past.

I am still the ball of emotion I have always been, and I always will be. I embrace it. The spectrum has just shifted from blues to yellows. I enjoy my personality paradox. I thrive on emotion but feel I possess a logical rational spin on it. Definitely the product of my parents. Neither is quite the explosive, impulsive, mess I can be sometimes-however Dad is the thinker and Mom is the doer. Not to mention the Gemini thing. Yeah, I believe Astrology has real world relevance. Most parents almost always have your back. I like to believe mine keep it real and let me know when I am F-ing things up. But they stand behind my dumb ass even when I go ahead and F it up anyways.

A lot of what I write and talk about (at least in my mind) is normal I think. As much as I would like to believe that I am different, deep down I believe most people feel the same way. I just feel the need to talk about it and get it out of my head. Maybe I approach it differently and deal with it differently than most. Do "special" people wish they were normal? By special I mean talented/important/famous/exceptional/ect... I saved a wolf spider from certain squishing the other day. Then I saved a humming bird that had gotten trapped in the building. Yesterday I saved a garden snake that had curled up in a corner of the shop. It's Wild Kingdom in this place and I'm doing my best Jack Hannah I can. If I could bear the heartbreak of losing an animal I would be a vet for sure. Crazy how much better I feel by the time I get to the end of my thoughts. I really should try to organize a little better.

In the end its a new beginning.

Over the past 2 years I have been making a lot of huge changes in my life. I had previously been in a long relationship, 11 years to be exact. I had not been happy in that relationship for quite some time and I finally got out. A year after that I decided that my physical health/weight had gotten out of control. In a matter of 4 months I lost nearly 50 lbs. I am proud to say that I have kept that weight off for almost a year. Diet and minimal exercise have made a drastic improvement in my health, not to mention the mental side of it. My confidence and state of mind greatly improved.

This past 8-9 months has brought many ups and downs. My latest decision was based on my best interest and future. It was probably the second hardest choice of my life, only leaving my ex was more difficult. I am happy so far and I feel really optimistic. In the end maybe this will be better for everyone. I am proud of what I have accomplished, and I am looking forward to new experiences and new knowledge.

Already I feel like a better version of me. I have a more positive attitude from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep. My drive/motivation/desire has been recharged. I hold no grudges, no more animosity, and have the utmost respect for my previous position. Down with the BS. I don't need it. I don't want it.

My life is changing, and I am the one calling the shots. I know I am going to make mistakes and I am going to live with those mistakes. I am also going to learn from my mistakes and that is what keeps me positive about it all. The ability to learn from my short comings and be honest with myself is what has carried me and will continue to carry me through the hardest that is yet to come.

Thank you to everyone that has supported me through all of this. Thank you for helping me stay grounded and keep my head on straight. Thank you for being honest and helping me be honest with myself. That last part is very tricky, it is all too easy to get down on yourself or to become an unbearable ego monster. I will need you again, and I hope to be able to provide the same assistance for any of you in the future.

Taking the first steps are the hardest.

Lets be honest, I am struggling. My job situation is messed up, and that is really a major blow to me. I have been a part of this company for 7 years now. This is my greatest acheivement, this is the part of my life that I am most proud of. I want to convey why I love this job, why I am so proud of my accomplishments here. I want to share why it is such an important part of my confidence, pride, trust, and my overall happiness. When I came to Atlanta in 2001 I was a bum. I had poor work habits and bounced from job to job from the time I was 15 till I was 23. I never held a job longer than about a year. That changed when I came into the shop I work for now. I was able to work my way from part time grease monkey in 2003 to 20 percent partner in 2008. I had also been told that I would be taking on new responsibilities as the shop control was slowly transferred to me. Not as an owner but as a manager. My future is not clear now. Not only is my position unclear, I don't even know if I will have a position. I truly feel as if the next day could be the day that it all ends. Its a really difficult environment to try and work in. So far I have been able to cope.

Don't get me wrong, I know I am really talented. I have worked really hard and taken a lot of time to learn my skills. However I don't know if I am really valued the way I should be. So I am making one last push. This is my hail mary. I am proving to myself above anyone else that I have put my best effort into making the shop excel. There is too much time and talent between us for it to be wasted over an inflated ego. If it doesn't work, then I know I did my best. I will take my talents and utilize them somewhere else, or doing something else.

That leads me into another inner struggle. I am really good at building badass cars, but I don't think that in the grand scheme it has any importance. I want to be a part of something bigger. I want to contribute to a greater good. I have an idea that I would like to work with the environment or conservation. Funny considering what I do now contributes to the depletion of our natural resources and atmosphere. I even have figured out a way to combine the 2. However at 32 years old, schooling is going to be an issue. I have neither the time or money to try and be a full time student. Which hurts because I feel like I have maybe missed my opportunity. I spent too much time playing.

I just want to change. I want to have a fresh start. I want to make a difference. Small steps.

Standing on my own.

I have been doing some reflecting lately. Some self pitying. Lots of drinking. Lots of loathing. Its not who I want to be. Its not who I am. I am a happy person. I have a lot of friends that seem to truly care about me. I care about all of them after all. Some of them look out for me more than they should maybe. I have also slowly become aware of how dependent I am of others. Not in the way of, they feed me or I borrow money from them, but more just emotionally. I depend a lot on having someone there to talk to, to listen to me. I sincerely try to not just dump on anyone and burden them with my gripes and bitches and moans. I feel like I have been doing it a lot though. To everyone. So for this I apologize.

While I have been dependent of my friends to carry me when I lack the mental fortitude to do so on my own- I have let something else happen. I have given up my individuality, I have failed to be my my own person. I have allowed others to control my life. Sometimes directly most times indirectly. I have allowed others opinions to sway my judgement. I have allowed others actions influence my own. In some cases I have become a puppet. Regurgitating words and ideas that were not my own. In other cases I have been stripped of my creativity, or it has been used and not properly credited. Its my fault, I am not blaming anyone. I more upset with myself than anything.

Lately I have been pondering if I am just not cut out. I put up a good front, I talk a good game, but when the doors are closed and no ones looking I crack. I wonder if what I am feeling is just "normal" and that worries me even more. In two ways. If this is normal and everyone else deals with it, then what kind of weak minded person am I really? Also if this is normal then I am not as special and different as I think I am. I don't want to be like everyone else. Am I doomed to be the drone that I fear becoming?

I look at my life as a long series of extreme ups and downs, but there are way too many other people that I know that have way more extreme downs and others who live their lives high. I do not wish for more extreme lows and I feel empathy towards their struggles, but Im jealous of the ones that have the "good life" regardless of how they got there. Im not sure if I would want a more mundane life either. All beige and vanilla. Nope. Without the lows the highs aren't as high and that is how I try to look at it. One bit of optimism I guess.

This is probably not a good way to start this off, very random, very rantish. It may seem as though I am very debbie downer, but Im not. Like I said I am a happy person, I've just not been happy for a long time. This will change.