Woohsah...

I have been running myself ragged. Even though I have chosen to take a break from drinking for an undetermined amount of time, I have been staying out late nearly every night. I was actually called a martyr by someone for my actions. I had to look up the definition of martyr to be completely honest. I thought it was a religious reference, turns out the definition of martyr is "One who suffers for the sake of principal." I think that is actually a pretty good description of how I have been acting. I will go out to the bar and just hang out and drink water. I can do this pretty easily most times but it also can be very tempting others. Not drinking has its advantages for sure. No DUI's, watching everyone else get, literally, stumbling drunk, or when douche bags try to start shit or cross the line I have a clear head.

I have been putting myself through a lot of stress too. I have had to realize that there are certain instances where I am maybe exaggerating the seriousness of the situation. I just end up making it harder on myself. I'm doing it on both ends of the spectrum, the good and bad. This has lead to days of excessive stress. I am already acknowledging this flaw, and I am trying to remedy it. In the past I have used physical activity to blow off some steam. I have been on-again-off-again with my running, so occasionally I will have a day where I don't get that release.

Friday wasn't one of those days. I got my release alright, and as I sit here writing now I still feel that release. A group of us went out on Lake Lanier for some wake boarding. I have never been wake boarding before and my goal was simply to make it up on my feet. First session: I went first, 4 attempts and 4 fails, I was already spent. Luckily, for my hatin' ass, nobody else got up either. Second Session: 4 attempts and 4 fails. This time at least I got a little closer, but more importantly I learned to "let it go" (this is a theme in my life right now). I had previously been holding on to the tow rope and plowing through the water, sheer will and determination to get up on my feet. I now know how Lake Lanier tastes a little too well. Third Session: This was it, my arms and shoulders felt like they were slowly being ripped out of their sockets, I had to get on my feet. I had to do it on the first or second try or I wouldn't have the strength left to do it. First attempt, I DID IT! 3 out of 4 attempts, not only did I get up I stayed up for a decent amount of time. I wasn't the only one either, Phillip got up on his first try too. (I stayed up longer though)

Being out on the lake was great. Before we got to the wake boarding we were all just floating in the water relaxing and joking. I finally understood what I had been told about being out on the water. It drains all the BS right out of you, its a micro vacation that lets you escape for a couple hours. I look forward to the next time I can go out, I won't turn it down again. GO AWAY TUBERS! (or we will have to turn N.W.A loose on you again)

Click. BOOM! Splat....

Last week was a rough one. I felt this depression creeping in on me last weekend. The old feeling of loss and despair. Monday had me expecting a bit of a let down and it was realized. The event itself wasn't the problem. The problem was that over the course of the previous 36 hours or so I had this major outpouring of emotions. I wrote everything down, analyzing it, re-writing it, erasing it completely, starting over. I wrote a longish blog, shared it with a few close friends, got some feedback, decided to shelve it for a minute. During that writing I started a whole other thought process and wrote that down too. The blog was very personal and in the end it was posted albeit only half as long. It shared a lot of my inner most conflict and thoughts. The second writing was a level of personal intimacy and openness that I had never reached before. I have never opened up to myself like that before, and I actually captured it. I got it down and only changed misused words. That is meant for only one. I did let 2 people read it and it was only to make sure that I wasn't crazy. They didn't think I was crazy, but I disagree. The point of this writing was to help me organize my thoughts and try to deal with it. It back fired. I opened up too much. I exposed myself in an extreme way and it actually made me worse.

Tuesday morning I woke up and felt fine. Got to work on time at 9, still doing alright. About 10:30 I broke. I left. Literally. I had to get out of there and quickly because I was about to let someone have it that didn't deserve that kind of response for a minor annoyance. So I got in my car and drove. I drove into areas I have never been, before I settled on a nice looking pasture. I really wanted to sit in the middle of the field and just be alone. The rickety fence and the thought of how crazy this looked stopped me. The worst part? I couldn't really call anyone. It was 11 am on Tues. Everyone is at work or in class. Luckily I did get a hold of someone. He talked me down, rationally and slowly bringing me back. After listening to my reasons for why I was feeling so crazy, he made one very simple point. A point that would later be re-iterated to me by my Mom. I have to stop caring, no, obsessing on the things I have absolutely no control over. "Let it go man, take care of what you do have control over." " Do little things though, don't take on too much."

Tuesday evening after I returned to work and had a really focused objective to bang out as much as I could in the abbreviated day, I got a simple and innocent message. "How was your day?" That message changed my day, and it would be the turning point of the week. Amazing how something so seemingly insignificant can turn everything around.

Wednesday and Thursday were all about understanding what just happened. Despite all of my attention to what was upsetting me I couldn't ignore that things were turning distinctly more positive. So everyday I talked to someone about what was going on and what I needed to do about changing it. Or what it was that I could do nothing about and let it go. I hung out with people that are relatively new in my life as well as longtime friends.

Friday was nearly a perfect day, complete relaxation. Saturday not-so-much. Saturday was my last hurdle to clear before I could move on. It was a day of finality. When I woke up on Sunday, I was in a different place mentally. I let it go.

I am now moving away from the area that I have been comfortable in for the last 5 years or so. Away from the place I called home for 7+ years. Away from people that are a part of my life from before last Tuesday. The people I associate with from here on out will be the ones that are progressing in a manner in which helps me progress too. I need to stop second guessing myself. I have made a lot of right choices to get me here. When I haven't made the right choice I learned from it. I have to solidify the confidence that elevates me from a good person to a great one. I have very distinct goals I wish to achieve right now. Now its time to get crackin' on the next level.

Once again thank you to my friends, old and new, for all of your support. Some of you know what I've been going through, some of you are learning, some have no clue (well you do now!) but you all make a difference in my life. I really hope I can make a similar difference in your lives some day.

Bleeding Heart and Broken Skin

I had an incredibly shitty day Saturday. To manage, I impulsively went and got a new tattoo started. I figured that if I was this upset, I should suffer for real, and put things in perspective. Maybe some physical pain would help me forget about my mental/emotional trials. It may not completely erase the bullshit, but at least it could distract me from mulling over the trivial and the inconsequential.

Why do I torment myself with these issues, when I can’t really do anything about it? I can only do what I think is best for me, but a lot of the time I don't even know what is best for me either. This drives me insane. Really. I think about too much stuff, all the time. I cannot shut off my brain.

Thank you to Sam @ All or Nothing Tattoo. He got me in even though I was a walk-in. This is the second piece Sam has done for me, and I will return in 2 weeks to get this one finished.

I've been de-flowered

One of these days I may get some rest. Between partying this past weekend, to having to rush the single most important life I know to the emergency animal hospital, to the day-to-day grind of work.

Wrath is doing well. He had a scary moment at the house after generally not doing well all day. He had just come back inside from a pee that lasted for-ever, when he decided he didn't want to climb the last 2-3 stairs. I coaxed him up them but he then collapsed and didn't respond much to anything. The ER vet ran some tests and gave me about the best news I could have hoped for. All negative on the results. This also meant we had to dig deeper. I returned home monday night with my boy and brought him to his regular vet on Wed. After doing some more comprehensive tests and another thorough physical exam we ended up pretty much where we started. "Everything seems ok" Well the blood test results will be in on Fri. and we should have a much more clear picture. The old guy has already surpassed his "optimistic" post cancer operation estimate of life expectancy. They said he probably only had 6-12 months at that time. We are now at 19 months. Its all about maintaining quality of life now.

On the work front I came in on Wed. to a Porsche Carrera Cabrio on my lift. I was to do a simple oil change (all 10 qts. of it!) and a compression test. Nothing too extravagant but it was a job to pop my cherry with the Porsche. Up to this point Doug has been taking care of the Porsche customers. He was on the dyno so I got my opportunity. With the oil change done I performed the compression test. Pending the results our customer was wanting to put a turbo kit on the car. With compression numbers I got (only a 4 psi variance between all 6 cylinders), looks like I will be posting in the future about the results of the turbo kit install.

Back to running and a more healthy diet. Since my low weight of 183 lbs ( I started at 229), I have put a healthy 19 back on. I got lazy. So since I started back with the running and diet 10 days ago I have lost 7 lbs again. It was so easy to get back into the habit it makes me upset I waited so long. I would like to get back down to 185 lbs.

Patience is not one of my strong character traits, but Im trying. Paralyzation due to over analyzation has bitten me before, so I got vaccinated (thank you Jessica). I heard somewhere that persistence pays, how do you persist without becoming annoying? I love Zombies, Steam Punk, and Dubstep. I'd pay a lot to go see Zombies dressed in Steam Punk dancing to Dubstep.

Please keep your hands inside the vehicle at all times.

Every day it seems I am learning more about myself. I'm figuring things out and working through them. Everyone learns about themselves as they gain more life experience. How you handle a crisis situation, how you handle a death, or how you handle success or fame would be good examples. Not everyone does something with the knowledge/experience though. Many never do anything with it. So instead of adapting and excelling or adjusting and improving they just seem to ignore or deny. I feel like I can't wait to test out my instincts. I can't wait for a situation to arise just so I can see how I handle it.

My learning curve seems more like a ramp over the last 2 years. Even more recently it seems like a vertical ascent. I have this feeling though, that I may be near the pinnacle of the current trend. Not that I feel like there is something bad looming on the horizon. Maybe just instead of discovery and revelation, it will be more application and implementation. I definitely have noticed when I come across a situation of some difficulty that I have been able to rely on myself to either figure it out or get help from a good source. That is a big part too. Its ok to know when you need help, its better to actually seek help, but knowing where to seek the best help is the real key.

Everyday is a roller-coaster. Roller-coasters are like sex. You wait forever to get there, you finally get on, you go up and down, there is screaming, occasionally someone cries, then 2 minutes later, you get off. (this probably applies more to guys)

Don't set yourself up (I struggle with this constantly). Never pass up an opportunity (my new mission statement). Don't expect anything from anyone, its better to let them surprise you (I am often let down by this).