Last week was a rough one. I felt this depression creeping in on me last weekend. The old feeling of loss and despair. Monday had me expecting a bit of a let down and it was realized. The event itself wasn't the problem. The problem was that over the course of the previous 36 hours or so I had this major outpouring of emotions. I wrote everything down, analyzing it, re-writing it, erasing it completely, starting over. I wrote a longish blog, shared it with a few close friends, got some feedback, decided to shelve it for a minute. During that writing I started a whole other thought process and wrote that down too. The blog was very personal and in the end it was posted albeit only half as long. It shared a lot of my inner most conflict and thoughts. The second writing was a level of personal intimacy and openness that I had never reached before. I have never opened up to myself like that before, and I actually captured it. I got it down and only changed misused words. That is meant for only one. I did let 2 people read it and it was only to make sure that I wasn't crazy. They didn't think I was crazy, but I disagree. The point of this writing was to help me organize my thoughts and try to deal with it. It back fired. I opened up too much. I exposed myself in an extreme way and it actually made me worse.
Tuesday morning I woke up and felt fine. Got to work on time at 9, still doing alright. About 10:30 I broke. I left. Literally. I had to get out of there and quickly because I was about to let someone have it that didn't deserve that kind of response for a minor annoyance. So I got in my car and drove. I drove into areas I have never been, before I settled on a nice looking pasture. I really wanted to sit in the middle of the field and just be alone. The rickety fence and the thought of how crazy this looked stopped me. The worst part? I couldn't really call anyone. It was 11 am on Tues. Everyone is at work or in class. Luckily I did get a hold of someone. He talked me down, rationally and slowly bringing me back. After listening to my reasons for why I was feeling so crazy, he made one very simple point. A point that would later be re-iterated to me by my Mom. I have to stop caring, no, obsessing on the things I have absolutely no control over. "Let it go man, take care of what you do have control over." " Do little things though, don't take on too much."
Tuesday evening after I returned to work and had a really focused objective to bang out as much as I could in the abbreviated day, I got a simple and innocent message. "How was your day?" That message changed my day, and it would be the turning point of the week. Amazing how something so seemingly insignificant can turn everything around.
Wednesday and Thursday were all about understanding what just happened. Despite all of my attention to what was upsetting me I couldn't ignore that things were turning distinctly more positive. So everyday I talked to someone about what was going on and what I needed to do about changing it. Or what it was that I could do nothing about and let it go. I hung out with people that are relatively new in my life as well as longtime friends.
Friday was nearly a perfect day, complete relaxation. Saturday not-so-much. Saturday was my last hurdle to clear before I could move on. It was a day of finality. When I woke up on Sunday, I was in a different place mentally. I let it go.
I am now moving away from the area that I have been comfortable in for the last 5 years or so. Away from the place I called home for 7+ years. Away from people that are a part of my life from before last Tuesday. The people I associate with from here on out will be the ones that are progressing in a manner in which helps me progress too. I need to stop second guessing myself. I have made a lot of right choices to get me here. When I haven't made the right choice I learned from it. I have to solidify the confidence that elevates me from a good person to a great one. I have very distinct goals I wish to achieve right now. Now its time to get crackin' on the next level.
Once again thank you to my friends, old and new, for all of your support. Some of you know what I've been going through, some of you are learning, some have no clue (well you do now!) but you all make a difference in my life. I really hope I can make a similar difference in your lives some day.
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