Taking applications for a new life.

I am 34 years old. I am single. I live with two younger roommates.One of which I cannot stand, and the other is dislike by association at this point. I've never had my own place or lived alone. I am an auto "technician" that has been in the industry for 10 years and my only real progress has been learning new models as they come out. What I mean is, 10 years ago I was a tech, and I am still a tech. I feel if I continue where I am, what I am doing, I'll be 40+ and more miserable than I am now doing the same thing. I'll be more bitter, more physically broken, more lonely, more hopeless.

Identifying problems has never really been an issue. Changing them though has been more of a challenge. Some changes came about more reluctantly simply because of laziness, complacency, or (in)security. But I felt like I radically changed my life just a few years ago. I left an 11 yr long relationship because I wasn't happy. I lost 47 pounds in only 3 months. I left my position at a shop that I helped build over the course of 7 years. I took control of my credit after 10 years of ridiculous irresponsibility and bought myself a nice car. It wasn't really that radical. Just kind of a shift.

What really happened: I left that relationship, just in the sense of we weren't together. I still saw her. Stayed over with her occasionally. Took care of her problems when I could or felt like I should. I've squandered a few good relationships and passed on some really good girls in the time I've been away from her. I'm sorry to those of you I hurt.

What really happened: I lost 47 pounds. Then I stopped. Just like that. I stopped exercising. I stopped eating well. I started drinking, to the point of borderline alcoholism. It changed me. I've gained all but 10 of it back. I care, but not enough to get back to it. For Christ sake, I have a gym membership that I pay for, and I NEVER use.

What really happened: I left the shop I loved and help build, but I never let it go. I hate them for what happened. I resent them. I have recurring nightmares about them. (this is no shit and it rattles me for at least a day every time) I don't know how to get over it. I just want it out of my head. I hate that they controlled my life then and still do to a degree now. I do not use the word hate often nor lightly. I left "them" and started working for a competitor. I like these guys. They are decent people. People that I conditioned myself to dislike, treat me better than the two I considered to be like family. But, I'm no longer happy doing what just a couple months ago I proclaimed I loved doing. Its a trap. I'm never going to progress beyond what I'm doing now.

I have no direction in my life. I have no goals. I merely know that I want to be better off than I am now. I have always used my parents as a benchmark. If I could live the way I grew up then I would be happy. Well, first there has to be a marriage and family. My parents had been married 14 years by my age! I want marriage. I want kids. Marriage is something sacred to me. I don't want to be a divorcee. Ever. I want to have a child from my blood. My family name ends with me. I am not ok with that. Time is running out. I refuse to be 40 and "trying" to have kids. I ACTUALLY HAD A PLAN FOR THIS. I have one year remaining on that plan. Good luck. Marriage and kids don't happen in a year. Ha! They shouldn't anyways. A couple years ago I was proud of my accomplishments, especially considering my wasted potential early on. Now I feel like a joke. I really feel like a loser. A sad, out of touch, grasping at threads of youth, loser.

It has to end. I have fight in me still. I feel like its getting harder to pick myself up though. Excuses I've had before, explanations for deficiencies, and scapegoats are gone. No one left but me. I don't know where to begin. Where do you start when everything is broken? Home life, Work, Friends, Relationships, there is no out. There is no escaping the frustration. There is never a time or place to relax.

So, here I am. Writing again. Voicing aloud to myself and to anyone that will listen. I don't want sympathy. I'm past attention getting. I hate what I'm becoming. I hate feeling like I know where this is going. I hate that my confidence is based on a reality of negativity. I'm in trouble. I need help.

Looking for some light.

Not a whole lot of good goin on here.

Life seems to be one long line of let downs. Sure, there are flashes of hope, and small triumphs, but inevitably those just lead to bigger let downs. I've tried to remain positive, and continue to fight the good fight. I try to keep faith in people and myself. Try to believe in others, that they'll do the right thing, take some responsibility, show some pride, and BE HONEST. I can only take so much of these people I trust/admire/respect/love, looking me dead in the eye and then spewing some bullshit. I'm losing faith. I am growing weary. I am seriously, irreparably, disappointed. And right now I just want to be alone.

This week a couple of old/good friends of mine (Bob and Sarah) lost their mother (Kathryn) to cancer. I did not even know she had been diagnosed, I had lost contact with them for some time. I need to share what kind of woman she was to me. Some of this I didn't realize until I started to reminisce.

Kathy was the type of woman that questioned the motives of an 18 yr old boy that took an interest in her 15 yr old daughter, and voiced those concerns to the boy directly, but she still welcomed him into her home. I instantly respected her, and respected her daughter, and never crossed that boundary. Kathy put her own ass on the line, and allowed (on a nearly nightly occurrence for the better part of 2 years) a bunch of teens to squat at her house and partake in some recreational activities, play Uniracers, Mario Kart, and KI Gold till 1 am or later. She didn't do it out of irresponsibility, she did it to ensure her own children, as well as their delinquent friends, were in a safe place. Not out in the streets getting into trouble. Kathy wasn't rich, and she worked hard to keep food in the fridge and a roof over the heads of her kids. Not to mention feeding all of us other bastards too. When I backed my car into hers, taking out a fender on that Dodge Omni, she was upset but willing to let it go (although her boyfriend was not, and I replaced that fender). She gave us a place to go when we were all first getting away from home, but not too far away, because not a single one of us lived more than a couple blocks from our hangout. My final memory is seeing her at the diner she worked at over off of Secor Rd. Our group was slowly growing apart, she had moved out of the neighborhood and into an apartment, but she still requested we come visit. She came and sat at the table with Bob and I. Just to chat, ask how things were, share what was new in her life. She was a good mom. She was a good person. The world is a little darker without Kathryn Mcgee in it. I'm so sorry Sarah, Bob, and Kathleen.

I also found out this week that my elementary school was closed after this last school year. No ceremony, no tribute, nothing. Its a hollow shell, and an empty lot. As a childhood friend pointed out, only the Four Square spots remain. Lark Elementary was a part of my family. My parents attended there. Some of the faculty that was there when I ran the halls, taught my uncles and aunts. It wasn't just a place, it was an attitude. It was our family crest. We were tougher than those kids (literally) across the tracks. We were Lark Siders, and we were damn proud of it. Lark Elementary is an icon of my childhood and I feel like if its going to be lost, at least give it some dignity.

I'm taking me back.

Over the last several months I have posted many times, but this will be the first since November. I have been living a roller coaster life, and it has taken its toll on me. I have been effected emotionally and physically. Friendships were forged, lost, rekindled, and strengthened. Romantic relationships were at the forefront, and now they have taken a back seat. Way back, third row SUV style. It's not that I don't yearn for the affection, and certainly I long for love. I have been able to survive on my own for a little while now, and that is a first in my life. I have been able to focus on my professional life and recently I am getting to see tangible results. A major development emotionally has been my temperament. Many close to me know that I have had a history of losing control and blowing my top. Sometimes its an entertaining rant full of colorful language, other times its down right disturbing and excessive. I am very proud to say that it has been months since my last episode. I literally cannot remember when I had my last melt down. This is also a first in my life and it feels great. I have been able to battle this with a couple tricks, and one forced action.

After 7 years of busting my ass, in a mostly thankless environment, lately I have been fortunate enough to be rewarded for my hard work. Not with the people I devoted my life to and helped build a business and reputation with, but with the guys I have been with for only 9 months. I will be taking a trip to Guyana, South America at the end of this month to finish preparing a car that will be competing in the Caribbean Rally Series. An existing customer has shipped his motor to us to have it built. After he has received and installed it, my boss and I will be flying down to prepare the car for the up coming race season. Immediately following our return, we will be in the final stages of preparing our own race car for the One Lap of America series. Testing has already begun and its shaping up to be a very exciting event. I have been subdued in my outward expression for the events, but as the season draws near I cannot hold it in anymore. This is an amazing opportunity to contribute my abilities, and my passion. I feel like this year, this team, this shop, my efforts won't be undermined by someone else's ego or ulterior motives. The goal is to win, anything else would be a short fall, and we will all be putting forth our best efforts.

There is nothing romantically on the horizon. There is no one I have my eye on. The previous interests have fallen by the wayside. Not by my choice. Thats on them. They messed up. I am ready for a major step forward. They were not. Cool. Whatever. I need someone that is on the same level and wavelength as me. I need to be challenged. Somewhere, she is out there. I'm sure of that. This guy here? Ripe for the picking. For "the one", not just anyone, of course.

For now, its back to having fun. Being carefree, but not irresponsible. Time for me to be me again. This is my time, my year. I'm gonna do it right. Well, maybe not "right" but better than ever before. Time for Half Man, Half Amazing.

What the hell does this mean?

I had an especially vivid dream last night. I would call it a bad dream, not a nightmare.

I was with my brother, and we were walking through a city. There were no specific land marks, but I had a feeling it was in Toledo. I'm pretty sure we were going to a bar or something. We decided to cut through a building, we were not supposed to be there. We were walking through a long hallway. Instead of going straight through we turned left. It was some sort of Hindu temple. This hall had lots of art and shrines. We were walking down this hall and someone came in behind us and shouted that we weren't supposed to be there. Mind you we are at our present age in this dream, grown ups, but we run away. As we are running down this hall it is getting smaller and smaller. My brother is bigger than I and eventually stops because he cannot fit. I push on. I am crawling and I get to a point where I am outside of the building crawling in a plexiglass enclosure. In my mind in the dream I rationalize that this is some sort of right of passage for Hindu followers and surely I can get out. I am right at the end and the crawl space turns down vertically before the exit. I get half way into the vertical drop and get stuck. I am pretty claustrophobic and I remember telling myself to just stay calm and wiggle my way out. It ended up getting so tight I couldn't breathe. At this point my dream went from first person to 3rd person and I watched myself suffocate. When I stopped breathing I woke up. Very unnerved, very uneasy. Of course when I fell back asleep I returned to the dream, but I knew I was dreaming and just started changing things around. I woke up again and never returned to that dream.

Very interesting stuff going on in that dream.

Woohsah...

I have been running myself ragged. Even though I have chosen to take a break from drinking for an undetermined amount of time, I have been staying out late nearly every night. I was actually called a martyr by someone for my actions. I had to look up the definition of martyr to be completely honest. I thought it was a religious reference, turns out the definition of martyr is "One who suffers for the sake of principal." I think that is actually a pretty good description of how I have been acting. I will go out to the bar and just hang out and drink water. I can do this pretty easily most times but it also can be very tempting others. Not drinking has its advantages for sure. No DUI's, watching everyone else get, literally, stumbling drunk, or when douche bags try to start shit or cross the line I have a clear head.

I have been putting myself through a lot of stress too. I have had to realize that there are certain instances where I am maybe exaggerating the seriousness of the situation. I just end up making it harder on myself. I'm doing it on both ends of the spectrum, the good and bad. This has lead to days of excessive stress. I am already acknowledging this flaw, and I am trying to remedy it. In the past I have used physical activity to blow off some steam. I have been on-again-off-again with my running, so occasionally I will have a day where I don't get that release.

Friday wasn't one of those days. I got my release alright, and as I sit here writing now I still feel that release. A group of us went out on Lake Lanier for some wake boarding. I have never been wake boarding before and my goal was simply to make it up on my feet. First session: I went first, 4 attempts and 4 fails, I was already spent. Luckily, for my hatin' ass, nobody else got up either. Second Session: 4 attempts and 4 fails. This time at least I got a little closer, but more importantly I learned to "let it go" (this is a theme in my life right now). I had previously been holding on to the tow rope and plowing through the water, sheer will and determination to get up on my feet. I now know how Lake Lanier tastes a little too well. Third Session: This was it, my arms and shoulders felt like they were slowly being ripped out of their sockets, I had to get on my feet. I had to do it on the first or second try or I wouldn't have the strength left to do it. First attempt, I DID IT! 3 out of 4 attempts, not only did I get up I stayed up for a decent amount of time. I wasn't the only one either, Phillip got up on his first try too. (I stayed up longer though)

Being out on the lake was great. Before we got to the wake boarding we were all just floating in the water relaxing and joking. I finally understood what I had been told about being out on the water. It drains all the BS right out of you, its a micro vacation that lets you escape for a couple hours. I look forward to the next time I can go out, I won't turn it down again. GO AWAY TUBERS! (or we will have to turn N.W.A loose on you again)

Click. BOOM! Splat....

Last week was a rough one. I felt this depression creeping in on me last weekend. The old feeling of loss and despair. Monday had me expecting a bit of a let down and it was realized. The event itself wasn't the problem. The problem was that over the course of the previous 36 hours or so I had this major outpouring of emotions. I wrote everything down, analyzing it, re-writing it, erasing it completely, starting over. I wrote a longish blog, shared it with a few close friends, got some feedback, decided to shelve it for a minute. During that writing I started a whole other thought process and wrote that down too. The blog was very personal and in the end it was posted albeit only half as long. It shared a lot of my inner most conflict and thoughts. The second writing was a level of personal intimacy and openness that I had never reached before. I have never opened up to myself like that before, and I actually captured it. I got it down and only changed misused words. That is meant for only one. I did let 2 people read it and it was only to make sure that I wasn't crazy. They didn't think I was crazy, but I disagree. The point of this writing was to help me organize my thoughts and try to deal with it. It back fired. I opened up too much. I exposed myself in an extreme way and it actually made me worse.

Tuesday morning I woke up and felt fine. Got to work on time at 9, still doing alright. About 10:30 I broke. I left. Literally. I had to get out of there and quickly because I was about to let someone have it that didn't deserve that kind of response for a minor annoyance. So I got in my car and drove. I drove into areas I have never been, before I settled on a nice looking pasture. I really wanted to sit in the middle of the field and just be alone. The rickety fence and the thought of how crazy this looked stopped me. The worst part? I couldn't really call anyone. It was 11 am on Tues. Everyone is at work or in class. Luckily I did get a hold of someone. He talked me down, rationally and slowly bringing me back. After listening to my reasons for why I was feeling so crazy, he made one very simple point. A point that would later be re-iterated to me by my Mom. I have to stop caring, no, obsessing on the things I have absolutely no control over. "Let it go man, take care of what you do have control over." " Do little things though, don't take on too much."

Tuesday evening after I returned to work and had a really focused objective to bang out as much as I could in the abbreviated day, I got a simple and innocent message. "How was your day?" That message changed my day, and it would be the turning point of the week. Amazing how something so seemingly insignificant can turn everything around.

Wednesday and Thursday were all about understanding what just happened. Despite all of my attention to what was upsetting me I couldn't ignore that things were turning distinctly more positive. So everyday I talked to someone about what was going on and what I needed to do about changing it. Or what it was that I could do nothing about and let it go. I hung out with people that are relatively new in my life as well as longtime friends.

Friday was nearly a perfect day, complete relaxation. Saturday not-so-much. Saturday was my last hurdle to clear before I could move on. It was a day of finality. When I woke up on Sunday, I was in a different place mentally. I let it go.

I am now moving away from the area that I have been comfortable in for the last 5 years or so. Away from the place I called home for 7+ years. Away from people that are a part of my life from before last Tuesday. The people I associate with from here on out will be the ones that are progressing in a manner in which helps me progress too. I need to stop second guessing myself. I have made a lot of right choices to get me here. When I haven't made the right choice I learned from it. I have to solidify the confidence that elevates me from a good person to a great one. I have very distinct goals I wish to achieve right now. Now its time to get crackin' on the next level.

Once again thank you to my friends, old and new, for all of your support. Some of you know what I've been going through, some of you are learning, some have no clue (well you do now!) but you all make a difference in my life. I really hope I can make a similar difference in your lives some day.

Bleeding Heart and Broken Skin

I had an incredibly shitty day Saturday. To manage, I impulsively went and got a new tattoo started. I figured that if I was this upset, I should suffer for real, and put things in perspective. Maybe some physical pain would help me forget about my mental/emotional trials. It may not completely erase the bullshit, but at least it could distract me from mulling over the trivial and the inconsequential.

Why do I torment myself with these issues, when I can’t really do anything about it? I can only do what I think is best for me, but a lot of the time I don't even know what is best for me either. This drives me insane. Really. I think about too much stuff, all the time. I cannot shut off my brain.

Thank you to Sam @ All or Nothing Tattoo. He got me in even though I was a walk-in. This is the second piece Sam has done for me, and I will return in 2 weeks to get this one finished.