Looking for some light.

Not a whole lot of good goin on here.

Life seems to be one long line of let downs. Sure, there are flashes of hope, and small triumphs, but inevitably those just lead to bigger let downs. I've tried to remain positive, and continue to fight the good fight. I try to keep faith in people and myself. Try to believe in others, that they'll do the right thing, take some responsibility, show some pride, and BE HONEST. I can only take so much of these people I trust/admire/respect/love, looking me dead in the eye and then spewing some bullshit. I'm losing faith. I am growing weary. I am seriously, irreparably, disappointed. And right now I just want to be alone.

This week a couple of old/good friends of mine (Bob and Sarah) lost their mother (Kathryn) to cancer. I did not even know she had been diagnosed, I had lost contact with them for some time. I need to share what kind of woman she was to me. Some of this I didn't realize until I started to reminisce.

Kathy was the type of woman that questioned the motives of an 18 yr old boy that took an interest in her 15 yr old daughter, and voiced those concerns to the boy directly, but she still welcomed him into her home. I instantly respected her, and respected her daughter, and never crossed that boundary. Kathy put her own ass on the line, and allowed (on a nearly nightly occurrence for the better part of 2 years) a bunch of teens to squat at her house and partake in some recreational activities, play Uniracers, Mario Kart, and KI Gold till 1 am or later. She didn't do it out of irresponsibility, she did it to ensure her own children, as well as their delinquent friends, were in a safe place. Not out in the streets getting into trouble. Kathy wasn't rich, and she worked hard to keep food in the fridge and a roof over the heads of her kids. Not to mention feeding all of us other bastards too. When I backed my car into hers, taking out a fender on that Dodge Omni, she was upset but willing to let it go (although her boyfriend was not, and I replaced that fender). She gave us a place to go when we were all first getting away from home, but not too far away, because not a single one of us lived more than a couple blocks from our hangout. My final memory is seeing her at the diner she worked at over off of Secor Rd. Our group was slowly growing apart, she had moved out of the neighborhood and into an apartment, but she still requested we come visit. She came and sat at the table with Bob and I. Just to chat, ask how things were, share what was new in her life. She was a good mom. She was a good person. The world is a little darker without Kathryn Mcgee in it. I'm so sorry Sarah, Bob, and Kathleen.

I also found out this week that my elementary school was closed after this last school year. No ceremony, no tribute, nothing. Its a hollow shell, and an empty lot. As a childhood friend pointed out, only the Four Square spots remain. Lark Elementary was a part of my family. My parents attended there. Some of the faculty that was there when I ran the halls, taught my uncles and aunts. It wasn't just a place, it was an attitude. It was our family crest. We were tougher than those kids (literally) across the tracks. We were Lark Siders, and we were damn proud of it. Lark Elementary is an icon of my childhood and I feel like if its going to be lost, at least give it some dignity.

I'm taking me back.

Over the last several months I have posted many times, but this will be the first since November. I have been living a roller coaster life, and it has taken its toll on me. I have been effected emotionally and physically. Friendships were forged, lost, rekindled, and strengthened. Romantic relationships were at the forefront, and now they have taken a back seat. Way back, third row SUV style. It's not that I don't yearn for the affection, and certainly I long for love. I have been able to survive on my own for a little while now, and that is a first in my life. I have been able to focus on my professional life and recently I am getting to see tangible results. A major development emotionally has been my temperament. Many close to me know that I have had a history of losing control and blowing my top. Sometimes its an entertaining rant full of colorful language, other times its down right disturbing and excessive. I am very proud to say that it has been months since my last episode. I literally cannot remember when I had my last melt down. This is also a first in my life and it feels great. I have been able to battle this with a couple tricks, and one forced action.

After 7 years of busting my ass, in a mostly thankless environment, lately I have been fortunate enough to be rewarded for my hard work. Not with the people I devoted my life to and helped build a business and reputation with, but with the guys I have been with for only 9 months. I will be taking a trip to Guyana, South America at the end of this month to finish preparing a car that will be competing in the Caribbean Rally Series. An existing customer has shipped his motor to us to have it built. After he has received and installed it, my boss and I will be flying down to prepare the car for the up coming race season. Immediately following our return, we will be in the final stages of preparing our own race car for the One Lap of America series. Testing has already begun and its shaping up to be a very exciting event. I have been subdued in my outward expression for the events, but as the season draws near I cannot hold it in anymore. This is an amazing opportunity to contribute my abilities, and my passion. I feel like this year, this team, this shop, my efforts won't be undermined by someone else's ego or ulterior motives. The goal is to win, anything else would be a short fall, and we will all be putting forth our best efforts.

There is nothing romantically on the horizon. There is no one I have my eye on. The previous interests have fallen by the wayside. Not by my choice. Thats on them. They messed up. I am ready for a major step forward. They were not. Cool. Whatever. I need someone that is on the same level and wavelength as me. I need to be challenged. Somewhere, she is out there. I'm sure of that. This guy here? Ripe for the picking. For "the one", not just anyone, of course.

For now, its back to having fun. Being carefree, but not irresponsible. Time for me to be me again. This is my time, my year. I'm gonna do it right. Well, maybe not "right" but better than ever before. Time for Half Man, Half Amazing.