Hey look! Its a wandering mind!

I haven't written in a while and I think its because I have been doing relatively well. The severe turmoil is behind me for now. I reached out last night in an effort to salvage what may be left of a long relationship that ended very abruptly and ugly. It has only been 2 months, but I think about you all the time. I feel like I have a lot to say because I think about it so much. But sometimes I can't get the words out. I feel there are a lot of misconstrued beliefs, ideas, assumptions, whatever. I don't want to be uncomfortable around someone I have spent so much of my life with. I did what I had to do to try and be happy. 8 weeks later I think it was the best for everyone. We have moved on into things that were only talked about before. We are acting upon ideas that we shared for literally years. We are discovering things about ourselves that we are not happy with and making changes. I want to be the best person I can be. For me and for whomever I decide to share my life with. I have a hole though. I wanted to be able to share some of these things with you. In a way it is because of you I am who I am now, and at least partially it is because of you I have made changes to better myself. I would like to think I influenced you in the same way but I will never know. I used to be a trusting person, I trusted you to the point of dependency. In the context of: You make a decision, I go along with it. I lost my trust for you. I lost my trust for almost everyone along with it. I truly do not know anymore. I question everyone. What's their motive? Who are they telling this to? What are they saying about me behind my back. On a positive note, it makes me want to be a good guy. Don't give them a reason to have a negative word. But in reality people are people and it doesn't matter what I do or say. So I have to satisfy myself and make myself happy with who I am. I have plenty to criticize. Some of it is a current self-help process. Some of it will have to wait until I am ready to tackle that project. Some of it will never be addressed.

My confidence is high. I feel like I am able to approach situations knowing that if I nail it, I accomplish whatever goal it was I set. It has been a long time since I have been able to carry this kind of swagger. Before it was kind of empty, and if I met adversity I would crack. Now if I meet adversity, I either conquer it or let it roll off. I will take another crack at it another day or time. There are a lot of positives for me to feed on right now. Im not starry eyed though, trying to keep grounded. Trying to keep the big picture in perspective, I have been guilty of losing focus when the present is favorable. I set myself up for disappointment. Now I expect disappointment (it is after all inevitable) but don't dwell on it. When disappointment happens then hopefully I will be able to cope and move on. I always do, but the manner of how and the time it takes have been suspect in the past.

I am still the ball of emotion I have always been, and I always will be. I embrace it. The spectrum has just shifted from blues to yellows. I enjoy my personality paradox. I thrive on emotion but feel I possess a logical rational spin on it. Definitely the product of my parents. Neither is quite the explosive, impulsive, mess I can be sometimes-however Dad is the thinker and Mom is the doer. Not to mention the Gemini thing. Yeah, I believe Astrology has real world relevance. Most parents almost always have your back. I like to believe mine keep it real and let me know when I am F-ing things up. But they stand behind my dumb ass even when I go ahead and F it up anyways.

A lot of what I write and talk about (at least in my mind) is normal I think. As much as I would like to believe that I am different, deep down I believe most people feel the same way. I just feel the need to talk about it and get it out of my head. Maybe I approach it differently and deal with it differently than most. Do "special" people wish they were normal? By special I mean talented/important/famous/exceptional/ect... I saved a wolf spider from certain squishing the other day. Then I saved a humming bird that had gotten trapped in the building. Yesterday I saved a garden snake that had curled up in a corner of the shop. It's Wild Kingdom in this place and I'm doing my best Jack Hannah I can. If I could bear the heartbreak of losing an animal I would be a vet for sure. Crazy how much better I feel by the time I get to the end of my thoughts. I really should try to organize a little better.