It really may be better than sex.

3:13 am, Sunday Aug. 29. I have just had an incredible weekend. Thursday we left the shop and head out to Roebling Road Raceway. It was a private day for TopSpeed customers, friends, employees, or whoever wanted to get a quality day at the track. It was a spectacular mixture of cars that participated. My nearly stock G35 Sedan, a stock S2000, a 350Z (with a first time driver, and she did very well), a Spec E30 BMW, a Ferrari 360 Modena, the TopSpeed GT2 (Pepper), a father and son tandem of Porsche’s (GT3 and a Turbo Cabrio), a BMW 335i on full slicks, we all had a great time. By the end of the day it seemed like we were all on track at the same time. I have NEVER had so much fun at a track day, not as a spectator, crew member, or driver.

Savannah is a beautiful city. I had never been there before, I wish to return and spend more time in the city. Had dinner at River Street Oyster Bar and it was exactly what I wanted. The food was extremely good. We had the crab stuffed mushrooms, cheddar bacon baked oysters and escargot for appetizers. I think everyone busted their guts on the main course! I had the Savannah style Jambalaya, not sure what the difference was, but it was damn tasty. Afterward we had a frozen drink called a “call a cab”. It was red and made with grain alcohol. It hurt when you sipped it because it was so cold. Nonetheless it lived up to its name.

I have been watching a lot of PBA lately. I have learned a lot about the personal life of Mark Twain. I feel so much the same way that he did, as he wrote in his personal diary and notes. It amazes me how someone from a completely different life and from a completely different era has the exact same feelings and emotions that I struggle with. I have seen a documentary about Dragon*Con (even though I have been there the last 3 years) and I learned about an urban hiking group here in Atlanta. Urban Hiking is cool…No, all of it is cool. I love to learn. I yearn for knowledge. From the trivial to the profound, I want to know more. I want to know why it is what it is.

I have a feeling. Old habits die hard. Have faith in something. Stand for what you believe.

If you don't know me, you want to.

It is really amazing how life twists and turns. If you had told me 6 months ago that I would be working at TopSpeed and I would be ok being/living single, I would have called you a f-ing liar! Yet here I am, contrary to everything I believed with every fiber of my being. On top of it all, I am happy. Its not false happiness either. Well what do I know? I just stated everything I knew to be true, wasn't. Regardless, I am happy.

Work wise I have been so busy I don't know what to do with myself. Its good busy, everyday I am here, open to close. So far I don't mind the saturdays. I got spoiled the first couple weeks with the insane amount of hours I logged. Now anything less and I start putting pressure on myself to step it up. The fire inside has been renewed. I want to prove myself more now than ever.

Socially I have realized that I am ok being alone. I have made it to this point where I am not so utterly lonely. It was rough. I really struggled with it for months. On top of my other problems I was having, just made it worse. I was really forcing it. Everyone always says " Its when you aren't looking, thats when you find someone" blah blah blah. No. You are wrong. Its when you get to the realization that "Hey, you like me or you don't. If you do, cool, its on. If you don't, peace, there are about 50 million others waiting to find out what this is all about." Or you get lucky and find someone during the whole "finding yourself" period, don't realize it, and then figure out you had an answer the whole time-dumbass.

For me, I am not trying to force anything. Socially or professionally. I know I have the goods for success. I have to keep doing what I do, maybe just a little more assertively. Modest confidence I guess is the best way I can describe it.

Hey look! Its a wandering mind!

I haven't written in a while and I think its because I have been doing relatively well. The severe turmoil is behind me for now. I reached out last night in an effort to salvage what may be left of a long relationship that ended very abruptly and ugly. It has only been 2 months, but I think about you all the time. I feel like I have a lot to say because I think about it so much. But sometimes I can't get the words out. I feel there are a lot of misconstrued beliefs, ideas, assumptions, whatever. I don't want to be uncomfortable around someone I have spent so much of my life with. I did what I had to do to try and be happy. 8 weeks later I think it was the best for everyone. We have moved on into things that were only talked about before. We are acting upon ideas that we shared for literally years. We are discovering things about ourselves that we are not happy with and making changes. I want to be the best person I can be. For me and for whomever I decide to share my life with. I have a hole though. I wanted to be able to share some of these things with you. In a way it is because of you I am who I am now, and at least partially it is because of you I have made changes to better myself. I would like to think I influenced you in the same way but I will never know. I used to be a trusting person, I trusted you to the point of dependency. In the context of: You make a decision, I go along with it. I lost my trust for you. I lost my trust for almost everyone along with it. I truly do not know anymore. I question everyone. What's their motive? Who are they telling this to? What are they saying about me behind my back. On a positive note, it makes me want to be a good guy. Don't give them a reason to have a negative word. But in reality people are people and it doesn't matter what I do or say. So I have to satisfy myself and make myself happy with who I am. I have plenty to criticize. Some of it is a current self-help process. Some of it will have to wait until I am ready to tackle that project. Some of it will never be addressed.

My confidence is high. I feel like I am able to approach situations knowing that if I nail it, I accomplish whatever goal it was I set. It has been a long time since I have been able to carry this kind of swagger. Before it was kind of empty, and if I met adversity I would crack. Now if I meet adversity, I either conquer it or let it roll off. I will take another crack at it another day or time. There are a lot of positives for me to feed on right now. Im not starry eyed though, trying to keep grounded. Trying to keep the big picture in perspective, I have been guilty of losing focus when the present is favorable. I set myself up for disappointment. Now I expect disappointment (it is after all inevitable) but don't dwell on it. When disappointment happens then hopefully I will be able to cope and move on. I always do, but the manner of how and the time it takes have been suspect in the past.

I am still the ball of emotion I have always been, and I always will be. I embrace it. The spectrum has just shifted from blues to yellows. I enjoy my personality paradox. I thrive on emotion but feel I possess a logical rational spin on it. Definitely the product of my parents. Neither is quite the explosive, impulsive, mess I can be sometimes-however Dad is the thinker and Mom is the doer. Not to mention the Gemini thing. Yeah, I believe Astrology has real world relevance. Most parents almost always have your back. I like to believe mine keep it real and let me know when I am F-ing things up. But they stand behind my dumb ass even when I go ahead and F it up anyways.

A lot of what I write and talk about (at least in my mind) is normal I think. As much as I would like to believe that I am different, deep down I believe most people feel the same way. I just feel the need to talk about it and get it out of my head. Maybe I approach it differently and deal with it differently than most. Do "special" people wish they were normal? By special I mean talented/important/famous/exceptional/ect... I saved a wolf spider from certain squishing the other day. Then I saved a humming bird that had gotten trapped in the building. Yesterday I saved a garden snake that had curled up in a corner of the shop. It's Wild Kingdom in this place and I'm doing my best Jack Hannah I can. If I could bear the heartbreak of losing an animal I would be a vet for sure. Crazy how much better I feel by the time I get to the end of my thoughts. I really should try to organize a little better.