Taking the first steps are the hardest.

Lets be honest, I am struggling. My job situation is messed up, and that is really a major blow to me. I have been a part of this company for 7 years now. This is my greatest acheivement, this is the part of my life that I am most proud of. I want to convey why I love this job, why I am so proud of my accomplishments here. I want to share why it is such an important part of my confidence, pride, trust, and my overall happiness. When I came to Atlanta in 2001 I was a bum. I had poor work habits and bounced from job to job from the time I was 15 till I was 23. I never held a job longer than about a year. That changed when I came into the shop I work for now. I was able to work my way from part time grease monkey in 2003 to 20 percent partner in 2008. I had also been told that I would be taking on new responsibilities as the shop control was slowly transferred to me. Not as an owner but as a manager. My future is not clear now. Not only is my position unclear, I don't even know if I will have a position. I truly feel as if the next day could be the day that it all ends. Its a really difficult environment to try and work in. So far I have been able to cope.

Don't get me wrong, I know I am really talented. I have worked really hard and taken a lot of time to learn my skills. However I don't know if I am really valued the way I should be. So I am making one last push. This is my hail mary. I am proving to myself above anyone else that I have put my best effort into making the shop excel. There is too much time and talent between us for it to be wasted over an inflated ego. If it doesn't work, then I know I did my best. I will take my talents and utilize them somewhere else, or doing something else.

That leads me into another inner struggle. I am really good at building badass cars, but I don't think that in the grand scheme it has any importance. I want to be a part of something bigger. I want to contribute to a greater good. I have an idea that I would like to work with the environment or conservation. Funny considering what I do now contributes to the depletion of our natural resources and atmosphere. I even have figured out a way to combine the 2. However at 32 years old, schooling is going to be an issue. I have neither the time or money to try and be a full time student. Which hurts because I feel like I have maybe missed my opportunity. I spent too much time playing.

I just want to change. I want to have a fresh start. I want to make a difference. Small steps.

Standing on my own.

I have been doing some reflecting lately. Some self pitying. Lots of drinking. Lots of loathing. Its not who I want to be. Its not who I am. I am a happy person. I have a lot of friends that seem to truly care about me. I care about all of them after all. Some of them look out for me more than they should maybe. I have also slowly become aware of how dependent I am of others. Not in the way of, they feed me or I borrow money from them, but more just emotionally. I depend a lot on having someone there to talk to, to listen to me. I sincerely try to not just dump on anyone and burden them with my gripes and bitches and moans. I feel like I have been doing it a lot though. To everyone. So for this I apologize.

While I have been dependent of my friends to carry me when I lack the mental fortitude to do so on my own- I have let something else happen. I have given up my individuality, I have failed to be my my own person. I have allowed others to control my life. Sometimes directly most times indirectly. I have allowed others opinions to sway my judgement. I have allowed others actions influence my own. In some cases I have become a puppet. Regurgitating words and ideas that were not my own. In other cases I have been stripped of my creativity, or it has been used and not properly credited. Its my fault, I am not blaming anyone. I more upset with myself than anything.

Lately I have been pondering if I am just not cut out. I put up a good front, I talk a good game, but when the doors are closed and no ones looking I crack. I wonder if what I am feeling is just "normal" and that worries me even more. In two ways. If this is normal and everyone else deals with it, then what kind of weak minded person am I really? Also if this is normal then I am not as special and different as I think I am. I don't want to be like everyone else. Am I doomed to be the drone that I fear becoming?

I look at my life as a long series of extreme ups and downs, but there are way too many other people that I know that have way more extreme downs and others who live their lives high. I do not wish for more extreme lows and I feel empathy towards their struggles, but Im jealous of the ones that have the "good life" regardless of how they got there. Im not sure if I would want a more mundane life either. All beige and vanilla. Nope. Without the lows the highs aren't as high and that is how I try to look at it. One bit of optimism I guess.

This is probably not a good way to start this off, very random, very rantish. It may seem as though I am very debbie downer, but Im not. Like I said I am a happy person, I've just not been happy for a long time. This will change.