Taking applications for a new life.

I am 34 years old. I am single. I live with two younger roommates.One of which I cannot stand, and the other is dislike by association at this point. I've never had my own place or lived alone. I am an auto "technician" that has been in the industry for 10 years and my only real progress has been learning new models as they come out. What I mean is, 10 years ago I was a tech, and I am still a tech. I feel if I continue where I am, what I am doing, I'll be 40+ and more miserable than I am now doing the same thing. I'll be more bitter, more physically broken, more lonely, more hopeless.

Identifying problems has never really been an issue. Changing them though has been more of a challenge. Some changes came about more reluctantly simply because of laziness, complacency, or (in)security. But I felt like I radically changed my life just a few years ago. I left an 11 yr long relationship because I wasn't happy. I lost 47 pounds in only 3 months. I left my position at a shop that I helped build over the course of 7 years. I took control of my credit after 10 years of ridiculous irresponsibility and bought myself a nice car. It wasn't really that radical. Just kind of a shift.

What really happened: I left that relationship, just in the sense of we weren't together. I still saw her. Stayed over with her occasionally. Took care of her problems when I could or felt like I should. I've squandered a few good relationships and passed on some really good girls in the time I've been away from her. I'm sorry to those of you I hurt.

What really happened: I lost 47 pounds. Then I stopped. Just like that. I stopped exercising. I stopped eating well. I started drinking, to the point of borderline alcoholism. It changed me. I've gained all but 10 of it back. I care, but not enough to get back to it. For Christ sake, I have a gym membership that I pay for, and I NEVER use.

What really happened: I left the shop I loved and help build, but I never let it go. I hate them for what happened. I resent them. I have recurring nightmares about them. (this is no shit and it rattles me for at least a day every time) I don't know how to get over it. I just want it out of my head. I hate that they controlled my life then and still do to a degree now. I do not use the word hate often nor lightly. I left "them" and started working for a competitor. I like these guys. They are decent people. People that I conditioned myself to dislike, treat me better than the two I considered to be like family. But, I'm no longer happy doing what just a couple months ago I proclaimed I loved doing. Its a trap. I'm never going to progress beyond what I'm doing now.

I have no direction in my life. I have no goals. I merely know that I want to be better off than I am now. I have always used my parents as a benchmark. If I could live the way I grew up then I would be happy. Well, first there has to be a marriage and family. My parents had been married 14 years by my age! I want marriage. I want kids. Marriage is something sacred to me. I don't want to be a divorcee. Ever. I want to have a child from my blood. My family name ends with me. I am not ok with that. Time is running out. I refuse to be 40 and "trying" to have kids. I ACTUALLY HAD A PLAN FOR THIS. I have one year remaining on that plan. Good luck. Marriage and kids don't happen in a year. Ha! They shouldn't anyways. A couple years ago I was proud of my accomplishments, especially considering my wasted potential early on. Now I feel like a joke. I really feel like a loser. A sad, out of touch, grasping at threads of youth, loser.

It has to end. I have fight in me still. I feel like its getting harder to pick myself up though. Excuses I've had before, explanations for deficiencies, and scapegoats are gone. No one left but me. I don't know where to begin. Where do you start when everything is broken? Home life, Work, Friends, Relationships, there is no out. There is no escaping the frustration. There is never a time or place to relax.

So, here I am. Writing again. Voicing aloud to myself and to anyone that will listen. I don't want sympathy. I'm past attention getting. I hate what I'm becoming. I hate feeling like I know where this is going. I hate that my confidence is based on a reality of negativity. I'm in trouble. I need help.